This is especially upsetting given how quickly bed bugs multiply. A fertilized female can lay three or four eggs a day, every day, until she dies. Luckily, she only lives about nine months after being traumatically inseminated—regretfully, that is the actual scientific term—by a male bed bug. Traumatic insemination is, somehow, even worse than it sounds. Female bed bugs actually evolved a reproductive tract, but males don't do anything so pedestrian as push a penis in there. Oh no. They use their hypodermic penises (again, the real term) to pierce their partner's abdomen, injecting her with sperm. Sometimes they get confused and accidentally inject another male with sperm instead, because bed bugs pick their sexual prey based on size.