Would suggest running, but it's already too late, probably.
By Colin Lecher Posted 03.12.2013 at 6:15 pm 15 Comments

Mine Clearance Dolphin
Mine Clearance Dolphin Wikimedia Commons

Last year, the Ukrainian Navy decided to reinstitute a Soviet-era dolphin training program. Specifically, according to reports, the dolphins had pistols and knives strapped to their heads and were taught to use them. Because, you know, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.

Anyway, some of the dolphins have apparently escaped from their trainers (because of course they were going to escape, Ukraine) and into the Black Sea, possibly on the prowl for mates.

But this is a contentious program and a contentious story. RIA Novosti reports that "Ukraine’s Defense Ministry denied the reports, while refusing to confirm the navy makes use of dolphins, despite the frequent appearance in Ukrainian media of photographs of dolphins with military equipment strapped to them." The Ukrainian Defense Ministry has called the stories outright "fabrications" and there's some question if the dolphins were actually armed, even if the trained dolphins do exist and did escape.

As for training dolphins, that's not all that unusual. The Ukrainian dolphins can also sweep for mines, like dolphins employed by the U.S. Navy did until they were recently retired. Although it's not clear if they can handcuff enemy combatants like these guys could.

[The Atlantic]

15 Comments

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marcoreid
03/12/13 at 6:39 pm

What is this, a cheap horror flick? Ukrainians need to watch more of those movies, so they'll know what to avoid. Like walking into a scary house without turning the lights on right after a serial killer escapes from the local prison.

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J. James
03/12/13 at 7:44 pm

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

This cannot possibly be real. Did someone mistake "The Onion" for a legitimate news agency again?

---
Always defer to facts rather than philosophy.

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Random 24
03/12/13 at 8:30 pm

Great thing I live in the Midwest :D

And Remember Everyone!
Have fun, Have Nukes!

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03/12/13 at 9:30 pm

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Brian P.
03/12/13 at 10:13 pm

They're no match for Americas freaking sharks with freaking lasers on their heads! LOL!

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mandischumacher
03/13/13 at 2:03 am

I hope that the dolphins are used to gunfire, because that would be very traumatic if a gun went off near me with out me even know what it even was.

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pbpn2020
03/13/13 at 6:10 am

No, no, no... This is ALL wrong!

Anyone who ever played Command & Conquer Red Alert 2 knows we're the ones with the attack dolphins and the Soviets are the ones with the giant attack squids. Duh!

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joelp77440
03/13/13 at 12:06 pm

What's next, sharks with freakin lazer beams on their heads?

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joelp77440
03/13/13 at 12:14 pm

Brought to you by the Mad Ukrainian Scientists Inst., the makers of Sharktopus and Piranhaconda. Striving to keep you out of the water, FOREVER!!!!!

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roymgqwv
03/13/13 at 1:50 pm

uptil I looked at the receipt of $7026, I did not believe that my cousin woz like realey making money part-time on there computar.. there mums best friend has done this 4 only six months and as of now cleared the morgage on their apartment and purchased Citroën 2CV. go to, http://www.jump14.com

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norbytherobot
03/13/13 at 5:42 pm

Guns don't kill people - dolphins...kill...people...

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norbytherobot
03/13/13 at 5:46 pm

Now the question is, were background checks done on those dolphins before they were fitted with their guns?

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quasi44
03/13/13 at 6:21 pm

So if these soldier dolphins go and kill someone from another country, is that an act of war?

Of course, Ukraine officials are denying any involvement with said national operatives, and Ukraine has covered itself by not issuing uniforms along with the Dolphin Fin Guns; and seeing as how no one yet speaks Dolphin, unless Pimsluer can be hired to interrogate, we ain't getting anything out of the Ukrainian Dolphin Assassin Group anyway. They are known to have some mystifying ability to resist waterboarding so that's out as well.

We COULD just tell the Japanese that they are really Bluefin Tuna.

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Ebrainer1
03/13/13 at 7:51 pm

(raises pinkie finger to side of mouth)
Wow, The price tag must be expensive. Probably on the order of
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DrEvil
03/13/13 at 10:07 pm

Are you telling me that you lost ANOTHER sub?



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