Trained Soviet Attack Dolphins With Head-Mounted Guns Are On The Loose

Would suggest running, but it's already too late, probably.

Mine Clearance Dolphin
030318-N-5319A-002 Central Command Area of Responsibility (Mar. 18, 2003) -- K-Dog, a Bottle Nose Dolphin belonging to Commander Task Unit (CTU) 55.4.3, leaps out of the water in front Sgt. Andrew Garrett while training near the USS Gunston Hall (LSD 44) in the Arabian Gulf. Attached to the dolphin’s pectoral fin is a “pinger” device that allows the handler to keep track of the dolphin when out of sight. CTU-55.4.3 is a multi-national team consisting of Naval Special Clearance Team-One, Fleet Diving Unit Three from the United Kingdom, Clearance Dive Team from Australia, and Explosive Ordnance Disposal Mobile Units Six and Eight (EODMU-6 and -8). These units are conducting deep/shallow water mine countermeasure operations to clear shipping lanes for humanitarian relief. CTU-55.4.3 and USS Gunston Hall are currently forward deployed conducting missions in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom, the multinational coalition effort to liberate the Iraqi people, eliminate Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, and end the regime of Saddam Hussein. U.S. Navy photo by Photographer’s Mate 1st Class Brien Aho. (RELEASED) Wikimedia Commons

Last year, the Ukrainian Navy decided to reinstitute a Soviet-era dolphin training program. Specifically, according to reports, the dolphins had pistols and knives strapped to their heads and were taught to use them. Because, you know, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.

Anyway, some of the dolphins have apparently escaped from their trainers (because of course they were going to escape, Ukraine) and into the Black Sea, possibly on the prowl for mates.

But this is a contentious program and a contentious story. RIA Novosti reports that "Ukraine's Defense Ministry denied the reports, while refusing to confirm the navy makes use of dolphins, despite the frequent appearance in Ukrainian media of photographs of dolphins with military equipment strapped to them." The Ukrainian Defense Ministry has called the stories outright "fabrications" and there's some question if the dolphins were actually armed, even if the trained dolphins do exist and did escape.

As for training dolphins, that's not all that unusual. The Ukrainian dolphins can also sweep for mines, like dolphins employed by the U.S. Navy did until they were recently retired. Although it's not clear if they can handcuff enemy combatants like these guys could.