9 indulgent Cyber Monday deals to irresponsibly impulse purchase

This is it. We’re nearing the end of the year’s biggest shopping holiday, and you’re running out of time to spend a ton of money on something you probably don’t need. We’ve spend the past five days or so rounding up the biggest discounts on stuff like TVs, computers, power tools, audio, and tons of other useful things. That’s not what this article is all about. This is about luxury.

The items on this list require big spending limits and endless cravings for luxury. So, crack open a can of original 4Loko (the rare kind before they had to take out all the caffeine), sit back in your chair that looks like some weird egg, and check out these expensive Cyber Monday deals. 

Kanlanth 1 to 2 Person Infrared Sauna, Hemlock Wood Low EMF FAR Infrared Sauna $1,799 (was $2,199)

Have you ever wished you could sweat all the bad thoughts and Dorito preservatives out of your body? This free-standing hemlock infrared sauna has 1,350 watts worth of heaters inside that can push the temperature up to 149 degrees. It’ll work up a perfect sweat that leaves you glistening like a gelatinous tube of cranberry sauce freshly plopped from the can.

Massage Chair Full Body Recliner – Zero Gravity with Heat and Shiatsu Massage $1,424 (was $1,899)

It looks like an escape pod from a futuristic spaceship, but this zero-gravity massage chair stays put while it destroys your delts and rhomboids in the best possible way. It has eight fixed massage points and 20 moving massage balls that apply ample pressure to smush even the most John Cena-like muscles.

BODEGA Wine Cooler Refrigerator 24 Inch, 154 Bottles Wine Refrigerator Dual Zone, Large Capacity Freestanding Wine Fridge $1,699 (was $2,209)

Yes, you could buy a couple of bottles of wine to keep in the fridge and buy more when you run out. Or, you could get this 24-inch wide fridge that can keep up to 154 bottles at a perfect temperature between 40-55 degrees. That’s probably more bottles than most actual bodegas. 

120″ Class The Premiere LSP7T 4K Smart Laser Projector $2,499 (was $3,499)

Imagine this scene: You have friends over to watch Star Wars. “We’ve seen Star Wars 100 times already, man. Can’t we watch the new Tim Allen Santa movie?” You’re confused about their movie choice, but you’re excited to reply, “We’re going to watch Star Wars on a laser projector. Lasers!” Samsung’s high-end projector creates a 120-inch image on a wall or screen that’s bright enough to battle ambient light. It’s better than going to the movies.

Meze Audio Empyrean Open-back Isodynamic hybrid planar magnetic headphones $2,339 (was $2,999)

I don’t personally know Phil Collins, but these are the headphones I would imagine he’d wear when he was trying to immerse himself in some tunes. He’d lay back in the massage chair from earlier and let the planar-magnetic drivers show off their exceptional clarity and untouchable dynamic range. They’re also open-backed, so they create an impressive soundstage that makes him feel like he’s right in the room with Doja Cat.

Roborock S7 MaxV Ultra Robot Vacuum and Mop, Auto Mop Washing with Empty Wash Fill Dock $1,059 (was $1,399)

Robot vacuums are needier than you might think. You have to clean them and empty their bins. Roborock’s high-end vacuum handles mopping and vacuuming duties across more than 3,000 square feet on a single charge. It has an AI-powered obstacle avoidance system, so it won’t run over a phone cord or make a mess if your pet puma (the pet I imagine rich people have) has an accident. 

Inflatable HQ Commercial Grade Bouncing Castle Kingdom Bounce House 100% PVC with Blower and Slide $1,304 (was $1,499)

Did you know you could buy a full-fledged bounce house? You could put it in your yard and just bounce in it whenever you want, taking video calls while busting front flips, eating dinner between leaps … all while wearing your shoes. No one could stop you. Think of how stoked the kid version of you would be. 

Casper Sleep Wave Hybrid Mattress $2,171 (was $2,895)

Springs and foam are fine, but this mattress is filled with gel pods that perfectly support your spine. So, if you’ve been sitting in front of a laptop for the past 9 days straight trying to bring people good Black Friday deals and your posture resembles that of Mr. Burns or some shrimp, this will help. 

Steelcase Gesture Office Chair – Cogent: Connect Graphite Fabric, Shell Back, Light on Light Frame, Polished Aluminum Base $863 (was $1,321)

What can you tell me about your computer chair? I couldn’t tell you much about mine. It smells weird (not bad, but weird), and if you hit the padding with your hand, a weird orange dust comes out. On the other hand, this Steelcase chair has all sorts of specs you can rattle off. It has a shell back for extra support and a polished aluminum base for durability. Even the fabric color has a cool name: graphite. My chair color is called “the itchy wool suit I wore to my first communion.”