6 Gifts For The Paranoid Conspiracy Theorist In Your Life

A test kit for unidentified substances, a metal detector for picking up chemtrails, and more

It’s easy to forget that person in your life who abandoned all electronics and moved into the woods to prepare for the Mayan apocalypse. He doesn’t have a phone or a Facebook account, and he isn’t listed in any directory. But that doesn’t mean you can’t show your weirdo paranoid friend that you care. We’ve listed a few ideas here. (But maybe don’t, like, surprise him with these. He is probably against surprises.)

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EMP Cover

An electromagnetic pulse (EMP) may knock out all electronics within a certain range, but a Faraday cage can shield against electrostatic charges and radiation. That’s the idea behind this anti-EMP bag. “My HAM radio was saved by being wrapped in a Faraday cage!” your paranoid giftee will say after the apocalypse, as he treks through the ruined wasteland. “That guy who got it for me: What a thoughtful friend he is! Er, was.” $27, Amazon

Metal Detector

Did you know you can use a metal detector to see how chemtrails are affecting water? Your paranoid friend does, as he is not playing into Big Government’s game. A decent detector can run you $100, although, as your paranoid friend might say, loudly, you can’t put a price on WAKING UP. $100, Amazon

Home Substance Test

Sure, your paranoid friend often thinks, my baking powder is probably still baking powder when I wake up in the morning, but how do I know for sure? How can I be positive someone didn’t sneak into my house and try to poison me by switching my baking powder with cocaine, or worse? Give him the gift of confidence, with this home substance test. From $15 for two, Uritox Medical

8-Pack Security Cameras

To keep an eye on those approaching your home, it’s best to set up a security system. Your friend, however, might especially appreciate a Costco-level mountain of eight cameras to mount on every part of his house (or bunker or cabin in the woods), making it blind-spot free. The cameras’ feeds are viewable from a single screen, so your paranoid friend can be sure he doesn’t miss anything. $450, Amazon

Essential David Icke Quotes

Have you heard of David Icke, he of the spectacular theories on secret reptile overlords? Your paranoid conspiracy theorist friend probably has. Get him a Kindle loaded with a digital copy of Icke’s greatest quotes, including: “I wish I didn’t have to introduce the following information, [on reptilian shapeshifting] because it complicates the story and opens me up to mass ridicule. But I’m not afraid to go where information leads me.” $4, Amazon

Private Island

The only real way to feel secure is by getting off the grid completely. If you’re a rich, benevolent friend, you can help out your paranoid friend with a private island, of which there are many. The more secluded, the better. From $30,000, Private Islands Online