Yogurt Maker Chobani Sick Of Scientists Ruining Everything

The company's new marketing tagline: "Nature got us to 100 calories, not scientists."

Chobani

You may recognize yogurt company Chobani by the ostentatious "100" rainbow-plastered on their cups. This is to inform the buying public that each cup has 100 calories. By what dark blood oath did these innovators accomplish such a feat? Simply put, they removed all of the science, an adulterant known to dramatically inflate calorie count.

Remove the lid from a cup of Chobani, and you may now be greeted by this printed tagline: "Nature got us to 100 calories, not scientists. #howmatters." This is an incredible work of PR, perhaps bested only by "a cup of yogurt won't change the world, but how we make it might." The claim accomplishes the two-fold goal of being both demonstrably false and wildly offensive, to scientists, the IQ of consumers, and likely people working for Chobani. It is a minor miracle. Let us explore.

"Nature got us to 100 calories, not scientists" -chobani grrrrr pic.twitter.com/RajQeIv4pz — Dr. Piper Klemm (@piperjklemm) June 3, 2014

These are the ingredients in a cup of CHOBANI SIMPLY 100™ BLACK CHERRY. ("Decadence so healthy, you'll want to dance.")

Nonfat Yogurt (Cultured Pasteurized Nonfat Milk), Live and Active Cultures: S. Thermophilus, L. Bulgaricus, L. Acidophilus, Bifidus and L. Casei, Chicory Root Fiber, Black Cherries, Water, Cherry Juice Concentrate, Evaporated Cane Juice, Pectin, Natural Flavors, Locust Bean Gum, Monkfruit Extract, Stevia Leaf Extract.

You will notice items like "pasteurized nonfat milk," a variety of nonfat milk that comes, not from the pasteurization process, but from the Pasteur Cows of the Lower Himalayan Range. (No, it's from pasteurization.) There is also "evaporated cane juice," a substance so rare it must be bartered for from one of the eight living practitioners of the cane juice evaporation process, an ancient family trade lost to the sands of time. (No, it's basically sugar, it's processed like sugar, and the labeling got Chobani slapped with a lawsuit for not calling it sugar.)

Goddess Demeter, whose dominion over agriculture is absolute, got @Chobani to 100 calories. Not your pitiful mortal 'science.' #howmatters — Rajiv Mote (@RajivMote) June 4, 2014

Material science, metallurgy ,and geology to obtain aluminum needed to make foil lid on containers #howmatters @Chobani — Gotham_Knowledge (@GothamKnowledge) June 4, 2014

Dear @Chobani, As a natural products chemist, I can honestly say "I love eating chemicals." #howmatters Cheers, @kzrt — kurt allerslev (@kzrt) June 4, 2014

I thought that @chobani notoriously got to 100 calories by reducing serving size from 6 oz. to 5.3 oz.? #howmatters — Paul Adams (@PopSciEats) June 4, 2014

There are other issues to take with the statement as well. You get the idea.

To Chobani's credit, they will be phasing out the lids. In the meantime, enjoy the stream of #howmatters tweets, helpfully provided by Chobani and now hijacked by pro-science Twitter users.