The internet is a dangerously addicting place. If you have a friend who spends all his free time with his eyes glued to the web, he or she is likely doing a few things there. Maybe chatting on Twitter or Reddit or Facebook with kindred souls, re-posting every possible GIF to Tumblr, or blogging about cats. Or maybe just browsing–bouncing from meme to meme, weird corner of the internet to weird corner of the internet. It’s somewhere between therapeutic and physically harmful, which is why it’s so addictive.
The best gift you could give to a web geek has already been given–it’s the internet itself. So, barring that, use this gift guide to brainstorm the perfect present for your loved one, even if you only talk to him or her via Facebook.
There are two types of people on the Internet: those with cats, and those who wish they had cats. Of course, it’s never a great idea to give someone a real pet, especially someone who you best know for staring at the computer all the time. Compromise? Give your loved one a furry little robot friend this season. There’s a good chance that they already owned a Furby at one point. After all, these creepy little critters have been around since 1998. But Furbies are different now! They have stayed current with the times! They act more like living creatures and respond to stimuli more than cats do, actually. And there’s a smartphone app that you can use to feed them and translate that strange language they speak. Most importantly though, Furbies love cuddles. Isn’t that the only thing that web geeks want?
Some Internet geeks like to accompany their web browsing and blogging festivities with some booze–it brings out their most frustrated and brilliant thoughts. They crack open a bottle of Shiraz, and plop down on the couch swaddled in blankets. In come the two-sentence Tumblr text posts about alternate universes and what life as a cat must be like. The problem is that once your web-inclined friend gets really into blogging at 3 AM, they can’t be bothered to put away the leftover drink, which could be used on another night such as this one. It’s a shame to waste perfectly good wine, but luckily we have the technology to avoid this predicament. Perhaps your loved one could keep an electronic wine preserver on the table next to the couch, so that when they’re finished with their Two Buck Chuck, it’ll last them until the next late night blogging session (read: tomorrow.)
$30, Waring Pro
Bag Of Feels
People on the Internet have so many feelings that they repress in the outside world. Throughout the course of the day, rejection from peers and coworkers sends them straight to the computer so they can let it all out. Emotions like anger, fear, sadness, happiness and insecurity are magnified through the magic screened portal. Anything without a proper trigger warning can unleash the “creys.” Cute animal pictures give them enough feelings to sob like
Kristen Bell in the presence of a three-toed sloth or perhaps more like Natalie Portman losing her cool in any movie you could think of. Where to put all these feels? Perhaps in the Altego laptop backpack! They can also stash both a laptop and a tablet device in special, lined pockets. (Also, it’s waterproof. For the tears.) $80, Altego
Instagram made digital point-and-shoots almost pointless. Would you rather be a vintage photographer taking artsy, filtered photos of food and flowers that upload to the internet instantly, or be an average Joe taking uninspired photos of your friends doing the same thing you always do, only to upload them a month later to an undoubtedly less cool social network? Your loved one would undoubtedly take the first choice, mostly because Instagram photos get way more notes on Tumblr, likes on Facebook, favorites and retweets on Twitter, and what have you. Social media notifications are essentially equal to popularity. It’s how you know that people care about you. Samsung found a way to make the small handheld digital camera relevant again by upgrading one with a Google Android operating system and equipping it with 4G LTE. It has the quality of a camera, but you can upload photos with your favorite apps just as easily as you can with your smartphone.
It’s pretty awesome. $500, ATT
Smelly Snail Mail
Web nerds can have a strange sense of humor, especially late at night. Their attention spans and senses of creativity are so shot from spending hours on end in front of screens that a good gag might actually work on them. If you’re trying to save a little cash, you could get them Fart By Mail. It’s exactly what it sounds like–the fart smells come in an either a clear, airtight polyethylene envelope or a brown one for stealth. There’s a greeting card inside that makes sound effects.You can even customize the message. When was the last time your loved one got something personalized in the mail? Hm, never.
$9, Fart By Mail
Your internet-loving loved one almost certainly has multiple windows to the internet–at work, at home, on the go. But to really hammer out those posts, you gotta have a good keyboard. So, sure, get them a keyboard, but, ugh, how to make it easy to use one keyboard with a tablet, a computer, and a phone? Help your loved one streamline the process with the Logitech K760. The solar keyboard has Bluetooth capabilities enabling it to connect to multiple devices and switch between them instantaneously–you can pair it with three devices, then just tap a number to switch to that device. No need for laborious re-pairing anymore! And the solar charging is awesome–and, thank God, it can charge by artificial light, so nobody needs to see the sun. Basically, you’ll never have to worry about charging it again.
Fan The Flames
Web geeks form communities called fandoms around their favorite shows and movies–
Sherlock, Supernatural, Harry Potter, Teen Wolf, Vampire Diaries, Dr. Who, and Battlestar Galactica, the list could go on forever– many of which they stream online. But it seems that laptops aren’t equipped for watching multiple seasons of an awesome series in one day. Physical pain may ensue. Your loved one’s computer suffers the slings and arrows of streaming Netflix for 20 straight hours. It literally burns. Resting the laptop on a pillow doesn’t actually work, unfortunately. It takes the pain off their legs, but sends the heat right back to fry their laptop! Many external fans are available, but they don’t always cool the right area. These are not the right fans for fandoms. Solution: The NZXT Cryo E40 Fan. The Cryo lets users adjust the fans to cool their laptop’s hottest spots. $23, NZXT