We didn't want to write about it. Seriously, we didn't. Sure, Michael Phelps has digital technology, the 24-hour news cycle and precision blown glass to blame for his plight but we're better than that.* But when US Swimming went and suspended Phelps for two months for, ultimately, acting his age, we felt compelled to write something. The 'Science' part of Popular Science restricts us from condemning the insanity of the punishment (note, however, they did nothing following his 2003 DUI). So below we offer an introductory, though hardly comprehensive, summary of marijuana and its (non)role as a performance-enhancing drug.