You know what’s kind of a robot, if your definition of robot is loose and you squint when you’re looking at it? The five-dollar clearance-sale coffee machine in my kitchen. You know what is definitely a robot, but also makes worse coffee? This barista ‘bot, which operates an already-automated Keurig pod-coffee machine.

JoeBot, as it’s called, is a machine rigged by a company called FOCUS Integration to make coffee. It can write something on those little cardboard sleeve things, and probably won’t spell your name wrong, but it makes coffee through a Keurig? Please, future, give me a robot that I can yell one-to-one ratio black eye at and have it appear, as if by alchemy.

We are here. We are ready. We are thirsty.