Yogurt Maker Chobani Sick Of Scientists Ruining Everything

The company's new marketing tagline: "Nature got us to 100 calories, not scientists."

You may recognize yogurt company Chobani by the ostentatious “100” rainbow-plastered on their cups. This is to inform the buying public that each cup has 100 calories. By what dark blood oath did these innovators accomplish such a feat? Simply put, they removed all of the science, an adulterant known to dramatically inflate calorie count.

Remove the lid from a cup of Chobani, and you may now be greeted by this printed tagline: “Nature got us to 100 calories, not scientists. #howmatters.” This is an incredible work of PR, perhaps bested only by “a cup of yogurt won’t change the world, but how we make it might.” The claim accomplishes the two-fold goal of being both demonstrably false and wildly offensive, to scientists, the IQ of consumers, and likely people working for Chobani. It is a minor miracle. Let us explore.

These are the ingredients in a cup of CHOBANI SIMPLY 100™ BLACK CHERRY. (“Decadence so healthy, you’ll want to dance.”)

You will notice items like “pasteurized nonfat milk,” a variety of nonfat milk that comes, not from the pasteurization process, but from the Pasteur Cows of the Lower Himalayan Range. (No, it’s from pasteurization.) There is also “evaporated cane juice,” a substance so rare it must be bartered for from one of the eight living practitioners of the cane juice evaporation process, an ancient family trade lost to the sands of time. (No, it’s basically sugar, it’s processed like sugar, and the labeling got Chobani slapped with a lawsuit for not calling it sugar.)

There are other issues to take with the statement as well. You get the idea.

To Chobani’s credit, they will be phasing out the lids. In the meantime, enjoy the stream of #howmatters tweets, helpfully provided by Chobani and now hijacked by pro-science Twitter users.