Having trouble saying no to that bacon-double cheeseburger? Try on patent # US4344424, the “Anti-Eating Face Mask.” Lucy Barmby of Sacramento, California has invented a Hannibal Lecter-esque diet aid that can be locked in place over your mouth. Barmby describes her pad-lock equipped contraption as “a cup-shaped member conforming to the shape of the mouth and chin that thereby prevents the ingestion of food by the user.” In other words, a metal caged strapped over your yapper. As primitive as it sounds, it appears to be a failsafe solution for uncontrolled cravings: Sub sandwiches and other caloric solids bounce right off the mask, as shown in an animated patent drawing found in Delphion’s Gallery of Obscure Patents. Other notably awesome and bizarre inventions in the gallery include an inflatable carpet that turns into a mattress and a bird diaper. My own revolutionary idea (which I’ve yet to patent, so don’t steal it) is a car seat that doubles as a porta john. It turns waste into fuel and eliminates the need for inconvenient rest stops. Not to be paired with Anti-Eating Face Mask of course. —Nicole Dyer

Welcome to the Invention Convention
The Fashion Flu Mask