Sure, the Christmas season is supposed to be a festive time of year—a time to relax and catch up with friends and family. But in the back of your mind, you know the calm won’t last. And we’re not talking about your return to the old 9 to 5. With driverless cars hitting the roads and computers beating humans at every game imaginable, it’s only a matter of time before the robot uprising. These gifts may just give your loved ones a fighting chance.
Forum Novelties Robot Costume
First thing’s first—if the streets are full of robots, you’ll need a way to blend in. Forum Novelties’ adult robot costume has you covered, literally. While it may have made a great Halloween costume before the Singularity, it’ll come in handy afterward by covering you from head to toe in a robotic facade.
It’s a classic, and it may come in handy if you need to make your disguise a bit more convincing. Toysmith’s robot claw will give you the mechanical, arm-extending, claw-clacking abilities necessary to persuade even the most distrustful robots that you’re one of them.
Korg microKorg 37-key Analog Modeling Synthesizer with Vocoder
Sure, it’s pretty heavy (just over 8 pounds), but Korg’s microKorg synthesizer will be the ultimate tool to complete your robot disguise. Instead of using the vocoder to make music (like Daft Punk did before the robots declared war), you can use it to modulate your voice to sound more robotic and a little less. . .fleshy.
BaoFeng BF-888S Two Way Radio
No robot will be able to see through your impenetrable disguise. Now you can focus on finding other survivors. With a range of several kilometers out in the open, BaoFeng’s two way radios will help you keep in touch with anyone else you meet. They’re lightweight and come with a high illumination flashlight for emergencies.
$23 [Note: Using these radios prior to the robot uprising requires a license by the Federal Communications Commission. Afterwards, there’s bigger concerns to worry about]
A Faraday Bag
There’s no guarantee that cell phones will still work after the robots take over. Destroying communications infrastructure was likely step one in the robots’ master plan, but on the off chance they didn’t, you don’t want your phone giving you away. A faraday bag will stop all signals from reaching your phone—and stop any signals from your phone from reaching the outside world. That includes WiFi, radio waves, bluetooth, and GPS, for when you absolutely do not want to be tracked by angry robots.
CMS Magnetics Neodymium Magnet
After successfully disguising yourself and gathering an erstwhile band of intrepid survivors, it’s time to fight back. If you’re fighting 1970s sci-fi robots, there’s a good chance they’ll be susceptible to magnets. Strong neodymium magnets like this one would easily wipe the memories and functions of those primitive robots, which would hopefully be depending on some sort of magnetic tape. If your robotic uprising is more, well, modern, these magnets might not be your best bet. Most modern electronics are pretty much impervious to magnets.
Tekton Heavy Duty Wire Cutters
Robots are machines. Machines generally have wires. If you can get close enough to your metallic foes, you can use Tekton’s heavy duty bolt and wire cutters to snip some crucial circuits. Made from steel, these cutters can also slice through bolts and chains.
Nerf Super Soaker Barrage Soaker
This is it. You’ve used up your magnets, your wire cutters are dull from all the snipping, and the robots are still coming. It’s time to pull out the big guns. Hasbro’s Nerf Super Soaker Barrage Soaker will let you fry electronics with ease. You can use flood or scatter mode to deal with hordes of robots close at hand, or distance mode to hit them from almost 40 feet away. And if you can’t beat the robots with this, maybe you’ll just have to accept that the age of man has come to a close.