It’s the time of year when a boy’s fancy turns to speculating about the new iPhone, or what I’ll call JesusPhone 2: The Resurrection. Though Apple is of course tight-lipped about when it’s due to hit streets, or if it even exists for that matter, anecdotal reports are trickling in from sources both solid and shady about chipsets, design, features, and so-on. General consensus is it’ll grace planet Earth sometime in June, on or around the Apple developer’s conference. In preparation for that momentous event, I’ll guide you on a tour of hopes, dreams and predictions for JP2. And then—you guessed it—I’m going to poop all over them.