Segway Enthusiasts Club No Longer Enthusiastic

The Segway Enthusiasts Group of America announced today that it will disband after a period of inactivity and an absence of candidates for its board of directors. Apparently the dorky-looking “human-transporter,” which travels at a heart-thumping max speed of 12 mph and costs upward of $5,000, isn’t garnering a whole lot of enthusiasm anymore. Ya think?

The glut of joke possibilities here just blew the fuses in my brain for a second.

Segway spokeswoman Carla Vallone told reporters that the group’s demise is not an indicator that the company itself is failing—in fact, she says sales have grown 50 percent annually since 2002. That’s pretty massive growth, right? So where are these hordes of Segway riders, and why don’t they want to join the Segway fan club? Are they so nerdy they can’t even manage social interactions with each other? Or are they all sequestered in some secret, underground, Mountain View-based programmer lair? I’m imagining a buzzing rabbit-warren of corridors, built just wide enough for two Segways to pass concurrently, silent but for the clacking of keyboards and the hum of human-transporter traffic… —Megan Miller