tom conlon

I bet the ’80s was a good decade for Energizer, Duracell and their ilk. I mean, it was a good decade for sharkskin, too, but the ’80s had to be the absolute peak for these battery makers. Suddenly, it seemed like everything required portable juice: that new-fangled wireless TV remote, the Walkman, my futuristic calculator watch and, of course, all of those awesomely high-tech electronic toys like Simon (which actually had its launch party at Studio 54!).

With the new fall TV season currently kicking into warp speed, there’s no time like the present to finally take the networks up on all those offers to “Check Out Full Episodes Online!” In fact, I’m willing to bet that there’s enough network and cable TV available online for free (or just about) that with a little hard work, I could completely replace the traditional $50+ per month TV viewing paradigm with a 100-percent Internet (for which I pay next to nothing) experience.

Backing up my computer’s hard drive has always been like flossing: I know I should be doing it even though it’s one of life’s more prickly pains in the butt. Both chores are the kinds of thing you can never fully appreciate until something goes horribly wrong, like a hard drive fries or some teeth start jiggling loose.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but they neglected to mention that it’s also a crushing chokehold on the windpipe of creativity. Nowhere is this fact of life more apparent than in this fall’s lineup of upcoming and recently released video games. Look a little closer and you’ll realize—with a few exceptions—that it’s not just this season’s selection of pixelly diversions that suffer from a general lack of originality; it’s a long-running ailment endemic to the entire video game industry.

Despite the economic flogging we’re trying our best not to think about, most of us don’t bat an eye when shelling out that monthly 50-plus bucks for Internet access. I guess that’s a testament to how deeply integrated into our lives the Web has become in just the last few years. Between my home Internet service from Time Warner and my data plan from Verizon Wireless, I’m paying about $80 per month to get online. If I travel, I pay T-Mobile et al. another toll to browse in the airport terminal and then I usually end up paying someone else for Internet access once I’m in my hotel room. When all is said and done, I cough up $100 or more per month to get online.

I don’t know about you, but that seems like a lot of bread these days.

I’m in awe of NASA as much as the next guy. But, as the venerable space agency toasts its golden anniversary next month, I just can’t escape the Grouse in me. Sure, the last 50 years of extra-terrestrial poking around have been filled with innovation and breakthrough. Unfortunately, there’s also been a lot of crap—specifically on the consumer side of things. Why does it seem like only the lamest, most cheeseball products on the market claim to be NASA-approved?

I suffer from a near-debilitating fear of tech commitment. Early adopter, I am not. With pre-orders of the first Google Android phone rumored to be kicking off any day now, early adoption is a topic I’ve been burning a lot of brain cells on lately. I mean, should I or shouldn’t I? That’s the eternal question of this transistor-dependent existence I lead. Unfortunately for my own technological evolution, I find early adoption to be a lot like playing Russian Roulette with a bullet lodged in all six chambers: I can’t possibly win.

I often wonder what goes on inside the mind of an early-adopter.

Someone give FCC chairman Kevin Martin a Red Bull, because he’s definitely asleep on the job. How else can we explain the thumbs up recently given to both the Sirius/XM and Verizon/Alltel mergers on his watch? While Martin happily panders to the public with far-flung plans for free, nationwide wireless Web access (that’ll be the day…), he’s been delinquent with the most important of duties charged to him: shielding us from the unfair business practices of monopolies. What happened to the FCC that had our best interests in mind when it dismantled Ma Bell in 1984?

Being a tech consumer is a treacherous endeavor these days. Installing software, upgrading a piece of hardware or even just plugging in a new peripheral is a pursuit wrought with danger. That’s because, as a man named Murphy has us conditioned to believe, something will inevitably go wrong. And when things do go haywire—when Part A won’t play nice with Part B—you’re left trying to figure out just what’s to blame. Is it your operating system? Is it the USB port on your computer? Is it your thingamajig’s firmware?

Right now, you can’t watch TV or walk into a store without seeing those three dreaded words, “BACK TO SCHOOL.” Their presence can mean but one thing: The summer death knell tolls thunderously.

But, wait—there’s time! We still have a precious few weeks to get out and travel, hit the beach or soak up The Great Outdoors. And, if you’re going to do any of these things, chances are you’ll be reading a book somewhere along the way. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to test out two technically advanced methods of getting my lit on. It’s a head-to-head throwdown between Amazon’s nifty new Kindle device and an iTunes audio book. Can they replace the good old-fashioned dog-eared paperback? Well, I did find things I liked about both experiences during my experiment, but this just wouldn’t be The Grouse without unleashing a little vitriol. Now, let’s have at it.