It’s the time of year when a boy’s fancy turns to speculating about the new iPhone, or what I’ll call JesusPhone 2: The Resurrection. Though Apple is of course tight-lipped about when it’s due to hit streets, or if it even exists for that matter, anecdotal reports are trickling in from sources both solid and shady about chipsets, design, features, and so-on. General consensus is it’ll grace planet Earth sometime in June, on or around the Apple developer’s conference. In preparation for that momentous event, I’ll guide you on a tour of hopes, dreams and predictions for JP2. And then—you guessed it—I’m going to poop all over them.

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The readers have spoken—and I shall heed your call! Based on the flurry of responses from a Grouse column last month (in which I bemoaned the snake oil sales tactics of the overpriced cable market), there’s clearly a hunger out there for clarity when it comes to parsing the jargon-filled nonsense that’s used to market consumer electronics. Hype is always to be expected when it comes to sales, but unfortunately sometimes conventional wisdom gets swept up in the hubbub and eventually we find ourselves believing in techie urban legends. Great for sellers, not so much for consumers. So taking my own advice, I’m following the Gadgetry Golden Rule and passing on a five choice bits of somewhat counter-intuitive wisdom I’ve had need for and which may inform your next purchase. Pay it forward—hit the comments section with your own, and spread the word.

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Over the past dozen columns of Grousings, I’ve occasionally, sometimes vehemently, nominated various bits of gadgetry to an ad hoc deathwatch list. In particular I singled out Polaroid photos, home photo printers; disposable batteries; and Sprint’s WiMAX venture Xohm (maybe even Sprint itself, if they aren’t careful). Some of those predictions are necessarily more long-term than others, and some probably wishful thinking.

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Since long before the dawn of this century (always wanted to say that), tech pundits and proselytizers have been consulting their trusty prediction machines and proclaiming “The Year of Wireless.” It happened when IR ports showed up on laptops, then again when wireless mice began gracing desktops. Nearly everyone got on the bandwagon when Wi-Fi appeared, followed again with GPRS, EDGE, EVDO, etc—and of course with that most overpromised and underdelivered of technologies, Bluetooth.

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Depending on who you talk to, it seems I’m either a wretched wastrel polluter on par with some smoke spewing Linfen factory, or I’m a Rainbow Warrior mincing around in hemp sandals looking for a tree to embrace. I’m speaking of my carbon footprint naturally: the rough calculation of how my lifestyle impacts the Earth. With our planet’s health constantly in debate these days—is the atmosphere really warming, and if so is that actually bad, and if so is it our fault, and if so can we do anything about it?—I was curious to see how I chalked up and consulted several of the various calculators found online. Putting in the numbers, the completely contradictory estimates nicely reflect the murkiness of the debate we’re currently in. It also calls into question the budding market for carbon offsets—the process of hedging your environmental impact by putting money into environmentally sound resources.

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For the vast majority of us, few are the occasions when our opinions matter in any meaningful way. Say what you will about the importance of teaching your children, or being in charge of your office budget or participating in the voting process, but the sad reality is that your wisdom is an underutilized asset… except when it comes to your tech savvy. If you’re reading this, it’s your responsibility to go out in the world and evangelize against the temptations of bad tech gear.

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It was in the third hour of a bewildering odyssey into the iTunes rental wilderness (I and my crew were fiercely at arms with a six-foot DVI cable) when a quote I had read in the paper earlier that day came back to me with sudden, crystalline truthiness. It was in a brief New York Times piece recounting a staged talk between ex–media mogul Michael Eisner and polymath Mark Cuban at last week’s SXSW Interactive conference.

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Perusing my cable/Internet bill this month from my local de facto monopoly, I picked my jaw off the floor and found myself on the horns of an ethical dilemma: To be a bandwidth thief, or not to be? That is indeed the question, as the fleetfooted Roadrunner has once again jacked prices through the stratosphere, leaving us folk on terra firma scratching our heads. The deal is, I get the same TV channels, and less bandwidth, but for more money. Genius! Tallying the rest of my monthly bills up against my humble paycheck, I started to get queasy, lightheaded and tired, and then I realized what it was. I’ve got a full-blown case of Subscription Fatigue.

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I have a confession to make: I am an addict. I’m strung out, my friends, literally—surrounded by the paraphernalia of my drug of choice, electricity. My apartment is a sickening jumble of daisy-chained power strips and extension cords, all supporting my particular addiction to wall warts—those power-squandering, space-wasting, chunky black power adapters used to juice my gadgets. I’m not about to give up all my electronic gear—no sir, that’s not an option—so I’d like to offer a compromise. A methadone treatment, if you will allow me to stretch this already thin metaphor.

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I’ve been Xinged. I’ve been Hi5ed. I’ve been Linked In—oh, have I been—and I’ve been Facebooked and Myspaced and Twittered (and if you’ve read comments from my column last week, I’ve been flamed as well, but that’s another story). I’ve taken it all till now, but I can’t takes no more. If you’ve suffered from the increasing torrent of well-meaning but annoying e-mail notifications and invites from aspiring social-networking-site friends, you know of which I speak. To mangle the beloved Pogo quote, I have seen the enemy, and he is us.

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